A Crisis of Faith

Since the announcement of the first Ebola patient within the US, my heart has been deeply burdened. Not so much because it is now so close to home (though that is troubling.) No, my heart is burdened for a much more serious reason. I am deeply burdened because I was NOT burdened before its entry into the US. The thousands of cases and deaths in West Africa were of no concern to me. For that I am shamed.

The ISIS crisis. The Ebola crisis. The Russia/Ukraine war. While noting these with sadness, I was not burdened and felt no compulsion to help in any way. Not even to pray.

At home, I worry about the laundry and the dishes and building the woodshed. Painting the kitchen. Installing a new fireplace insert. Fighting with my daughter over disobedience. Arguing with my husband over misunderstandings.

Prayer time consists of grace at meals. Bible study restricted to weekly Sunday school, reading the lesson in the car on the way to service.

If ISIS came to my door tomorrow, would I have the conviction to stand firm? If I contracted Ebola tomorrow would I trust God is in control?

Not with such weak faith as this. So focused on the details of my own life. Never reaching out to friends and neighbors because I have to get all my stuff in line first. Not even taking the time to pray for them or for the world.

Forget the dishes. Drop the vacuum. And by all means, stop the fighting. None of it will matter when death comes to the door.

Fall on your knees and pray. Pray for friends. Pray for strangers. Pray for international crisis. For broken hearts and broken souls. Pray for your enemies. For the world. For the hungry homeless children. For the powerful politicians. For the sinners and the saints.

Pick up the Bible and read. Really read. Study. Cry. Open your heart to the Holy Spirit. To Jesus Christ. To the Almighty Father.

This world will end for all of us. What will we have to show for it?

To God be the Glory

Today I stumbled across the Sunday school quarterly from that very first Sunday I attended Riverside. January 16, 2011. The day God took hold of me and changed my life. It's hard to believe it's only been 3 years.  It feels like eternity. I guess that's what it's like when you become a part of God's family. Eternal. Always was and always will be.

A lot has happened in those three short years. I have seen, heard, and felt God in more ways than I could count. Witnessed how He coordinates every moment for His glory.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 KJV

I know. Because I have seen it. I live it every day. In the moment it all seems trivial. Happenstance. But there is no such thing as coincidence. Days, months, even years later, looking back, understanding all the moments that led to this one. It is amazing. Incredible. Almost unbelievable. So beautifully orchestrated there can be no doubt of His divine intervention.

Every choice. Every thought. Every action. Every moment. It all led me to here. And every choice, thought, action, moment ahead will lead me to there. Just where He wants me to be.

Considering those who have come and gone in my life over the years. And those who remain. Seeing the hand of God moving in the lives of those around me. Even the unbelievers.

. . . for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. Mathew 5:45 KJV

God is there in all of it. And it is glorious!

It's been a rollercoaster ride these past three years. Good times and bad. Pain and praise. He has been there every step of the way. His Spirit guides me. He Son holds me.  He leads me.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 KJV

I memorized this Psalm in grade school. Then it was just a passage. Now it is real. It is life. He is life.

No regrets. Only repentance. For in repentance there is forgiveness. And in forgiveness, peace.

Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31 KJV

The Fight

When I was 14 years old, I was spending a lot of time with the wrong group of girls. I remember there was a period of about two weeks where it seemed I managed to get on the wrong side of a lot of them. All through innocent, naive actions resulting in situations where these girls would beat me up in a heartbeat.

I won't get into all the details. Those are stories for another day. Today I will tell you about the day it all ended.

It was about three weeks before school let out for the summer. I remember hoping I could just make it through the next few weeks and it would all be done. You see, it was the end of 8th grade, which meant the end of middle school. Many of these girls would be going to a different high school and I would never have to see them again.

I remember waking up that morning and being immediately overwhelmed with a sense of dread. I knew something terrible was going to happen to me that day. My immediate response to that feeling? I prayed. Before I even opened my eyes that morning, I prayed. "Jesus, I don't know what is in store for me today, but whatever it is please protect me."

At that time in my life, I had clung to the following scripture:

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Proverbs 3:5, 6 KJV)

That day, I lived it. I committed my life into His hands, no matter what was in store. I had complete faith in His victory.

I opened my eyes, got out of bed, and proceeded with my day as usual. All with a strange sense of peace. You see, I didn't believe the terrible thing wouldn't happen after praying. In fact, I knew it would. The peace came from knowing whatever it was, Jesus would handle it. And handle it He did.

At lunch I was sitting in the field with a few of my friends. We were all sitting cross legged in a circle. Along comes "Jane" (I won't use her real name) and a few of her friends. She's out for a fight and I'm her target. I don't recall what I had done to set her off. But there she was standing above me throwing all kinds of words at me.

And there I sat, calm and quiet, responding only when asked a direct question, which usually warranted nothing more than a simple yes or no. After a few minutes of insults and accusations, she told me to stand up. So I did.

Jane was a little girl with a big attitude. She was a good 6 inches shorter than me, and I was short myself. Though I had never thrown a punch in my life, I was sure I could take her. But I was not in control.

You see, I had placed complete trust in Jesus and committed my life and my body to Him for that day. As I stood there, the center of it all, I felt just like any other person in the crowd gathering around us. I was just another spectator, watching Jane attack Terri. Jesus had stepped in and taken control of my body. It was the most surreal experience of my life. I was standing there looking at myself!

As Jane hurled insults and accusations at me I remember thinking of clever responses and insults of my own to throw back.

But it wasn't my fight.

This went on for the entire lunch period, maybe 20 minutes. The 10 min bell rang and she was still talking. I knew if I walked away nothing would be resolved. She would come after me again another day. By now most of the students had gathered around.

Finally she took a swing. All in one seamless motion her fist hit my nose and I turned and walked away. The crowd parted, looking at me in bewilderment. It was done.

I remember one friend running up after me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes I'm fine". My eyes were watering because she had hit my nose wearing a large ring.

"Why didn't you hit her back?"

"Because I had no reason to"

"No reason?! She hit you!"

You see, Jane's attack on me had nothing to do with me. I was just an easy target for her to go after. She had a hard life and the only way she knew how to deal with it was to fight. To put on a big show. She knew I wouldn't hit her back (in fact that was one of the questions she had asked me - "if I hit you right now you wouldn't hit me back would you?"). She was trying to make me out to be a coward.

Jesus is no coward.

I never saw Jane again. Her mother had told her if she got in one more fight she would have to change schools. Three weeks left of middle school and she had to change schools.

God has put this testimony on my heart these last few weeks. I kept asking myself why I am no longer able to let Him take that kind of control over my life anymore? As I write this I realize its because I take it all personally.

It's not my fight. It's God's.

Satan's attacks on me have nothing to do with me. And everything to do with trying to make himself look powerful.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. (Ephesians 6:12, 13 ESV)

Jesus, I don't know what's in store for me today. Whatever it is, I trust you. I commit my body, mind, heart, and soul to you. Clothe me in your armor. May I be nothing but a spectator as you control the fight. And when the fight is over, may your adversary never be seen again.

Amen.

Confession

I received a vision last night. I saw a dark spirit approach, and instinctively began praying for it to leave. Almost instantly there were twenty or thirty dark spirits swarming around me, and I realized instead of praying for the spirit to leave, I had actually prayed for the Lord to leave! I thought, wait, that's not right, I don't want the Lord to leave, the spirits need to leave. I then began praying for the Lord to send the spirits away. But my prayer was empty.  The spirits didn't feel threatening. They felt benign. And even though I knew they were evil, I did not want them to leave. And they multiplied.

Here's what happened:

1. The devil tempted me and I denied the Lord without a thought.

2. Immediately the door was open for more attacks from the devil.

3. The Lord exposed the evil for what it was.

4. I recognized the evil, and did what I was supposed to do, but out of obligation rather than a desire to please the Lord.

5. The attacks kept coming exponentially.

6. I let them come.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.
(Ephesians 6:12-13 ESV)

I praise you, Father, for showing me the light. I confess I am guilty of laying down your armor, and have continued in sin after you have exposed it to me. I confess to you my guilt of these specific sins: pride, idolatry, and lack of submission. I have taken steps to publicly confess these, that my brothers and sisters in Christ might hold me accountable. I ask that you continue to shed light on any other sins I must confess, and pray for your strength to have a true desire and willingness to repent. Thank you for your gracious gift of forgiveness of my unworthy soul, that I might dwell in your presence eternally. In your precious name, Amen.

Sin No More

The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.” (John 8:3-11 ESV)

This story is repeatedly cited by Christians trying to justify their sins. Yes, Jesus forgave the adulterous woman. Yet we seem to completely ignore last part of the passage. He also commanded her to “sin no more.” Jesus was not saying the woman did not commit sin. He was merely pointing out she was not alone. Everyone sins. As he tells us in Matthew 12:31, every sin (except one) is forgivable. This does not make it acceptable.

Jesus also said, in Matthew 5:17-18, he did not come to abolish the law but to fulfill it. That not one stroke will be removed from it until all is fulfilled. And in verse 19 he goes on to say:

“Therefore whoever relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.”(ESV)

Jesus makes it clear, repeatedly, He is the only way of salvation. He also makes it clear, repeatedly, we are not to use that salvation as an excuse to ignore the law. We are granted forgiveness because it is impossible for us to be completely free from sin. There is still an expectation that we try to avoid it!

Works do not save us. We still ought to perform them. We can not earn our salvation. We still ought to avoid sin. God desires our obedience. Even if he does not require it, it is the least we can do to display our gratitude for His incredible gift of eternal life in His presence!

Let us stop teaching others to relax the law, lest we be called least in the kingdom of heaven!

Believing the Spirit

When I was a teenager, I was committed to Christ. I firmly believed in him and nobody could convince me otherwise. The more someone tried, the firmer I became. Until one day I realized I had no foundation for that belief. I didn't know Jesus. I wasn't there when he was crucified. I believed so strongly simply because I was told to. I never questioned it.

When I started to question my beliefs, I found them full of holes with no logical foundation. I had never really read the Bible much, and had relied on what I had been taught. And what I had been taught, I soon realized, made no sense.

Of course, instead of consulting scripture, I applied logic, and made many assumptions about the foundations those doctrines were based on. Just as I had relied on others to teach me to believe, I now relied on others to teach me what not to believe. Some of my assumptions were right. Many were wrong. And those assumptions led me down a sad and lonely road.

One concept which had never made sense to me was this: "God loves you unconditionally, but . . ." But what? There is no but to unconditional. Isn't that what unconditional is? God wouldn't send me to hell if he truly loved me unconditionally. (What I failed to grasp at the time was this: God doesn't make us do anything. We make our own choices and have to deal with the consequences).

From there, I began to doubt Jesus as the Christ. I followed the belief that "yes, Jesus existed but he wasn't God, he was just a great man." You know, like Gandhi or something. Sure he was God's son, just like we are all God's children.

Then came the denial that Satan existed. He's not real. He's just a scapegoat people created to blame their own selfish inhumane attitudes on without taking any responsibility for their own behavior. And to scare people into conforming to their rules and doctrines.

And once Satan didn't exist, I was so enlightened! I felt the need to free everyone I possibly could from the constraints of their dogma. No matter what it took, they just had to know how wrong they were. How brainwashed they had become.

I was an antichrist. "For many deceivers have gone out into the world, those who do not confess the coming of Jesus Christ in the flesh. Such a one is the deceiver and the antichrist. (2 John 1:7 ESV)" Yep. That was me.

As the years went on, my life fell apart. Or rather, I fell apart. Sure, I had powers. I had an affinity for divination. I had premonitions. I could cast spells and manipulate situations to my advantage. I was also losing my mind. I battled depression and anxiety. Fits of paralyzing fear. Even hallucinations. And I was tearing my family apart.

But I was enlightened. Everyone needed to have that freedom I had. You know, cuz it was so wonderful.

Then I began to meet true believers. Ones who not only believed, but who knew why they believed (they could cite the scripture for it) and, most importantly, who lived their belief. They had answers to my questions and there was a light in them I had never seen before. Or at least, I had never noticed it.

And I was reminded of that blind faith I had as a child. Perhaps unquestioning was unhealthy. But I should have been seeking God's answers, not the world's.

So I began reading the Bible. Truly reading it. Not with a plan really. Just opening it to various places and reading. And was amazed how the spirit would lead me to the right passage just when I needed it. I began following the commandments in the Bible. The ones I understood, the way I understood them. And I discovered a great peace which could only be granted by the grace of God.

I believe Jesus Christ came in the flesh, died for our sins, and was risen from the dead.  Not because someone told me.  Because I know him. I feel him in me. I hear him speak to me. His Spirit moves me, and I will always follow where it leads.

Obeying the Spirit

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second [greatest commandment] is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." Mark 12: 30-31 ESV

It is imperative we always keep these commandments at the forefront of our minds, and this be the foundation for everything we say and do. When we speak or act in the name of God, people interpret it as God, even if it isn't.

Take this blog for example. Living by the Spirit. This is very much a spirit led blog. I write when God tells me to write. I write what God tells me to write. It is His message I deliver, not mine. How tempting it is to use this for my own personal agenda! To speak out against things which anger me, frustrate me, hurt me.

But I can't do that. Because it's not coming from love. And not coming from God.

What ultimately caused me to turn my back on God and walk away in the first place were the many atrocities I witnessed against gays which were done in the name of God.  How could a God of love and mercy condone such vicious behavior? 

So when God asked me to speak out against homosexuality, I have to admit, I was a bit taken aback. I don't know that I ever believed it was okay per se (I really hadn't thought about it that hard), but I had fought passionately against the discrimination of these people who deserve as much love as any other human being. Which I suppose might be why God chose me after all. Because my "fight" has always been about love, and never about the act itself.

What I have come to realize is this: "in the name of God" is NOT the same thing as "of God" or "by God." It should be. But all too often it is not.

"Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world." 1 John 4:1 ESV

 One of Satan's most powerful tools is the ability to twist scripture just oh so slightly. So subtly we easily miss it and follow along without even realizing it.  And before we know it, we are so far off track we can't even see the path.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law . . ." Galatians 5: 22-23 ESV

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. These are the things that are of God.  If you feel compelled to condemn someone for a sin, no matter how obvious the sin is, odds are the spirit leading you is not God.  We have been commanded to love. We have been commanded to obey.  We have even been commanded to bring the sin of our brothers and sisters to their attention. 

We are also commanded to NOT judge. 

God gave us all free will.  It is up to each of us individually to chose to obey Him, or to not. 

So I ask you this:

If God Himself will not force someone to follow Him, what makes you think you have that right?

Love. The greatest commandment.  If it's not love, it's not God.