Believing the Spirit

When I was a teenager, I was committed to Christ. I firmly believed in him and nobody could convince me otherwise. The more someone tried, the firmer I became. Until one day I realized I had no foundation for that belief. I didn't know Jesus. I wasn't there when he was crucified. I believed so strongly simply because I was told to. I never questioned it.

When I started to question my beliefs, I found them full of holes with no logical foundation. I had never really read the Bible much, and had relied on what I had been taught. And what I had been taught, I soon realized, made no sense.

Of course, instead of consulting scripture, I applied logic, and made many assumptions about the foundations those doctrines were based on. Just as I had relied on others to teach me to believe, I now relied on others to teach me what not to believe. Some of my assumptions were right. Many were wrong. And those assumptions led me down a sad and lonely road.

One concept which had never made sense to me was this: "God loves you unconditionally, but . . ." But what? There is no but to unconditional. Isn't that what unconditional is? God wouldn't send me to hell if he truly loved me unconditionally. (What I failed to grasp at the time was this: God doesn't make us do anything. We make our own choices and have to deal with the consequences).

From there, I began to doubt Jesus as the Christ. I followed the belief that "yes, Jesus existed but he wasn't God, he was just a great man." You know, like Gandhi or something. Sure he was God's son, just like we are all God's children.

Then came the denial that Satan existed. He's not real. He's just a scapegoat people created to blame their own selfish inhumane attitudes on without taking any responsibility for their own behavior. And to scare people into conforming to their rules and doctrines.

And once Satan didn't exist, I was so enlightened! I felt the need to free everyone I possibly could from the constraints of their dogma. No matter what it took, they just had to know how wrong they were. How brainwashed they had become.

I was an antichrist. "For many deceivers have gone out into the world, those who do not confess the coming of Jesus Christ in the flesh. Such a one is the deceiver and the antichrist. (2 John 1:7 ESV)" Yep. That was me.

As the years went on, my life fell apart. Or rather, I fell apart. Sure, I had powers. I had an affinity for divination. I had premonitions. I could cast spells and manipulate situations to my advantage. I was also losing my mind. I battled depression and anxiety. Fits of paralyzing fear. Even hallucinations. And I was tearing my family apart.

But I was enlightened. Everyone needed to have that freedom I had. You know, cuz it was so wonderful.

Then I began to meet true believers. Ones who not only believed, but who knew why they believed (they could cite the scripture for it) and, most importantly, who lived their belief. They had answers to my questions and there was a light in them I had never seen before. Or at least, I had never noticed it.

And I was reminded of that blind faith I had as a child. Perhaps unquestioning was unhealthy. But I should have been seeking God's answers, not the world's.

So I began reading the Bible. Truly reading it. Not with a plan really. Just opening it to various places and reading. And was amazed how the spirit would lead me to the right passage just when I needed it. I began following the commandments in the Bible. The ones I understood, the way I understood them. And I discovered a great peace which could only be granted by the grace of God.

I believe Jesus Christ came in the flesh, died for our sins, and was risen from the dead.  Not because someone told me.  Because I know him. I feel him in me. I hear him speak to me. His Spirit moves me, and I will always follow where it leads.