Led by the Spirit

I suppose I should start with a little background.  I was raised Lutheran, thought myself to be a good Christian girl, and was quite proud of my faith.  As a teenager, I smoked cigarettes (even weed a few times), drank beer, and started having sex at 14.  Right. Good Christian girl. Yep, that was me. 


There was a void in my life, and I spent decades trying to fill it with all kinds of earthly passions.  In college, I discovered Wicca, and began experimenting with witchcraft and following a pagan religion of sorts.  I cast spells, used goddess statues, gemstones, and tarot cards.  At first, I called myself a Pagan Christian.  Then I just dropped Christian all together, and allowed myself to be convinced Satan did not exist. I was self-righteous, self-serving, and put my own wants and desires above all else, even my family.


Somewhere along the line I had found my way back to God, and dropped all the pagan stuff from my life, but I was like the seed that fell in the gravel, and the sprout was short lived. I was focused on growing my career, and was angry when my family got in the way.  I fought with my 5-year-old daughter constantly, and with my husband more often than I care to admit. And of course, it was always their fault.


One day I realized that my daughter was out of control, and it was all my fault.  She had never known God, and I was desperate to find a church for us.  Problem was, I was searching for the church I wanted. Not the church God wanted for me.


I had been adamant that I wanted nothing to do with conservative Christianity (cuz they're all a bunch of Bible thumping hypocrites preaching hell and damnation, right?). After nearly two years of weekly psychological therapy, a couple severe depressive episodes that put my career in jeopardy, and trying and failing to find a church home, it hit me-maybe the reason I couldn't make those other churches work was because I wasn't supposed to be there? 


I was home due to yet another depression, and my neighbor invited me to her church. A Mennonite church.  Not sure I could have found a more conservative denomination if I were searching for it.  And I went.  That next Sunday my daughter and I attended Riverside Christian Church in Peoria, Oregon.  And that was the day I found the Spirit.