My life changed so completely in just a few short months. As my husband put it, I changed everything I could possibly change about myself. Only by the grace of God could that happen.
Every Sunday for those first few months it felt like every message was meant for me. It wasn't like Pastor Melvin was trying to subtly point out my flaws (which sadly is something I have seen in other places.) No, it was as if God was speaking directly to me through our pastor. And I was amazed how it happened EVERY Sunday. I knew God's Spirit was in that church. I could feel it.
Perhaps the most significant breakthrough I had was when Pastor Melvin shared a story about his brother-in-law. About helping him fight a direct, violent, spiritual battle with the devil. And for the first time in my life it occurred to me that my depression might be coming from Satan.
It had occurred to me God gave it to me for punishment. It had occurred to me God gave it to me as a test. I had considered it had nothing to do with God at all and was all self-created. But never, before that day, had I ever thought it was coming from Satan.
And suddenly it all made sense. I began to recognize those indescribable, paralyzing feelings were literally, physically pulling me DOWN. And I began to notice a distinct difference between the light, glorious, freeing feeling of the Spirit, and the dark, draining, paralyzing feeling of the devil.
So I continued in my bible readings and prayers, and turned to God in those times of pain. The more I turned to God, the more I listened to the Spirit, the easier it became to let go of the depression, and to block Satan from pulling me down.
Depression is something I had battled with for 15 years. At that point in time, I had been seeing a therapist every week for more than 18 months. I had missed so much work and spent so many hours or days in bed, I was putting my career and my marriage in jeopardy, and my daughter's life in danger. I hated myself. I hated the world. No one understood me. And everyone was out to get me.
And suddenly, it was all lifted up and taken away!
Don't get me wrong. There were still battles and still days that I could not--or rather, would not--fight. But now I had the tools of God's armor and the support of His children to help. I began reaching out for help when I felt that all too familiar pull of darkness. I had never asked for or accepted help before. Suddenly my therapy sessions were filled with stories of glorious victories and battles won.
I quit seeing my therapist and never looked back. I began to pay closer attention to those feelings of the light and the feelings of the darkness. I could immediately, distinctly tell the difference.
Now, some people might right me off as insane. Especially considering I already have a history of mental instability. I know I would have in the not so distant past. But the people around me from all areas of my life (including the secular workplace) began to tell me I had a gift. And those familiar with spiritual gifts in scripture said it was the gift of discerning of spirits.
One thing I knew for certain, God had given me this special gift, and He did not intend for me to only use it only for myself.
He began showing me things I was meant to share. He began giving me messages to deliver. At first it was small things. Little affirming messages to my sisters in Christ who already knew of and believed in my gift. Then the messages became more significant, more challenging, bringing me closer to the edge of my comfort zone. As my experience and comfort with this gift grew, I knew God had bigger plans. There would come a day He would ask me to deliver a significant message that would require me to stand up for Him and go against the world. And I prayed that I would not let Him down when that day came.
I never dreamed it would come so soon.
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